11 tips on how to improve your relationships

Reshmi Purmar Author

May 03, 2023 |

Top 11 challenges we face when it comes to having the relationships we desire

11 things you didn't know about why relationships fail

Are you ready to step off the ferris wheel of hit and miss relationships?  Through 22 years of coaching, I have helped clients through every type conflict in relationships. In this list I outline 11 essential elements to build a healthy foundation for a nurturing relationship.

1. Do you know what you are looking for in relationship?  starting with the basics. Most people go into a relationship with an unclear idea of what or who they want to be with.  Ask yourself: Is this person religious? Spiritual?  What do they spend their spare time on? Do I want someone who has a full life and does not depend on me or am I more comfortable with someone who has a lot of time to focus on me? Are you looking for an affair, sexual intimacy or someone who will commit to you? What does commitment look like to you? 
2. Be honest with yourself.  Even if what or who you are looking for seems like an impossible dream please do yourself and the other a favour, get really honest what you will accept from a person and who you want to show up as in relationship.  Many people hide the most powerful aspects or the ones they see as weak.  You need to take time to get to know yourself honestly. Many times conflicts crop up when we hide aspects of ourself because we are afraid of rejection.  Being honest with yourself is scary but it means you are championing who you are, how you think, how you feel and what you are looking for in a person to share your life with.
3. Are you being heard?  Communication is one of the top causes of failures and breakdowns.  Being afraid to speak up, share how you feel, what you want and failing to clarify what was meant can lead to creating distance rather than closeness.  Learning how to share your true feelings and thoughts will help you build the relationship you desire.  You want a balance in the relationship, make time to listen and really hear the other.  What are their dreams and needs?  How do they show up and show how they like you?
4. Do not avoid conflict and notice when you are creating conflict for no real reason.  Many people will go out of their way to avoid conflict. Conflict for conflict's sake is not recommended but if you find that the person you are with, is regularly acting in a way that feels uncomfortable to you, do not avoid speaking up.   I do not recommend conflict for conflict's sake but I notice way too many women will avoid speaking up, men will disown their emotions or those aspects of themselves that feel needy or vulnerable.  I do not condone seeking conflict or creating conflict for the sake of conflict.  Denying your natural response is something that is a definite no no. Conflict may be the best and appropriate response to protect your boundaries, get things off your chest but make sure once expressed you have cleared the air.  Once voiced and heard let go and move towards repair and resolution.  Do not make a list of your conflicts for future reference.  This will not set a good foundation for getting closer. 
5. Healthy Boundaries are essential to create closeness and have your needs met.  Needs being the way you receive love and give love. The way you feel safe, respected, heard, seen.  The way you hold space to mind yourself ie your commitment to other areas of your life such as time with friends, family, your time at the gym, for work, study, self care. How you hold the space to nurture yourself is what healthy boundaries represent. 
6. Monitor your automatic reactions vs responses. Conflicts can arise when we react to subconscious triggers such as words, facial expression or behaviour which remind us of when we experienced pain previously. Past experiences can leave a lasting impression creating reactions towards others that can be detrimental.  Those who experience betrayal in relationship can be ultra vigilant for fear of it repeating. Which makes one insecure or jealous.  If you catch your boyfriend looking at another woman and you fly into a jealous rage, this is a reaction from fear, pain, a need to control.  Such reactions can cause pain hurt and can lead to manipulation and abuse. Trust is essential in a relationship and trigger reactions can destroy a healthy foundation for trust to grow.  
7. Repeating patterns in relationship. Are you about to give up on love? Do you find you are constantly being let down, unable to trust, go unseen/unheard in relationship?  Attracting the same kind of person or experience in relationships is a sign there is unresolved conflict and possible pain within you that needs to be cleared. This is normally caused by unconscious beliefs. It is time to look at your subconscious blue print ie your beliefs, expectations and behaviour in relationship.  In 22 years of coaching people, only those who refuse to let go of the  belief that other people hold the key to their happiness end up alone.  All real relationships need work to be fulfilling for both partners. 
8. Stop trying to live a fairy tale.  Still believe in fairytales and the happy ever after sold in the Disney movies?  Do you believe that once you meet THE ONE everything will fall into place on the day of the wedding?  Where these movies and fairytales ended is sadly not where happily every after begins. Sh*t happens in real life.  We lose jobs, fall out of love. We seek fairytales but real life is far more fascinating and challenging.  Real life means dirty laundry, unkept promises like "I will get the shopping on the way home" .  Are you resourced or committed enough to work through disappointments? Could you support your partner if they lose their job? What if the promotion does not come through when you're pregnant with one child and struggling to pay the bills?  Fairy tales belong in books and movies.  Real life requires flexibility and letting things get messy so that they can work out in the end. 
9. Don't settle for scraps Frequently I get asked what can I do to get the person i'm dating to stop being distant? Number one solution, Stop chasing them.  Value your time.  Value you.  Get busy with your friends putting yourself first. Realise and act like your life does not start and end with them.  When you value your time and yourself, your behaviour will teach others how to value and show up for you. If a guy or girl really likes you they will go out of their way to call you and vice a versa.  They will be focused on you when you are together.  
10. Be all of yourself in relationship. Be brave enough to not only show off the varnished, polished, refined version of you.  In doing this, we are rejecting parts of ourselves we believe are not lovable.  If the parts of you, you hide and judge as unlovable can show up with your potential partner, feeling safe you are building a good foundation for success. A relationship is meant to be a place where you can truly be yourself and grow to be a better version of yourselves together. Becoming aware of the parts of you that you feel unsafe and uncomfortable around is a good place to start loving yourself others will follow your example. 
11. Above all STOP expecting the worst and enjoy the pleasure of being with yourself and another fully.  Since we have all heard or even experienced the horror stories, we spend too much time expecting the worst to happen.  We date expecting rejection.  We connect expecting something is going to go badly wrong. I know I said don't live in fairytale land but having gone through all the above points, if you feel on balance you know yourself that you can speak up, and act in ways to take care of you, to not be taken for granted, let's start enjoying the reality of connecting, of dating of being in a growing supportive relationship feeling and believing all of you, especially your quirky bits are adored, admired and desired.  How would that feel? 

I hope you have learnt something and enjoyed reading this sharing.  I would love to know what you learnt that was new, what point was a timely reminder for you.  Please do feedback and let me know.  If you read this feeling more and more like you can relate and you feel frustrated, lost, stuck in your relationship or being alone, ask yourself am I ready to learn to do healthy relationship? If the answer is yes, ask yourself what is it worth to me to learn this? Am I ready to commit to being a better me in relationship, to not settling? How will I feel if I do so?  Can you imagine being better in relationship? 

My Elusive Relationship program is made for especially for you if you are looking to break the cycle of repeating the same painful mistakes. Check it out here.